Remembering

Today is a very special day for me. One year ago, on April 22nd, I came home from the hospital. I'm pretty sure you all know what I mean by "the hospital," but just in case you don't, go here.

Sometimes this year feels like it was unbelievably long, and other times it feels like it was impossibly short. It feels long when I remember what it was like in the few months after I came home, how weak I was and how I never really felt normal. I remember sitting on the couch with my Mom while she folded clothes one night, a few weeks after I came home. I had folded one shirt and my arms had literally collapsed at my sides and I couldn't hold my head up. Just then, Gary got home from the store, carrying two gallons of milk in each hand. I was speechless as I realized I had been able to do that just a few weeks before, and I was sure I would never have that kind of strength again.

A few nights later, I decided I would make dinner- which consisted of putting a dinner I had made and frozen before Spencer was even born and putting it into the oven. That night, I was back in in the E.R. with a racing heartbeat and difficulty breathing. Everything was fine, but I was warned I shouldn't try to do "so much." :)

It has been a short year to me when I remember how many wonderful and miraculous things I have been blessed to witness and to realize that they all happened in only one year. Since I can barely express my gratitude that I am here in words, I thought I would just share with you (and with me) just some of the precious moments that I have been here for this year. (The explanations start out. . . not short, but then get much shorter, don't worry.)
My sweet, amazing sister, Jenn, took this picture of me getting to hold Spencer for the first time in three days. I am in the ICU here and technically wasn't allowed to hold him, but my nurse pulled some strings because she knew I needed him. I am wearing a mask because they still weren't sure if my illness was contagious. At this time, the doctors still were not sure if I would live. This is one of the most precious moments of my life. I go into more detail in my actual journal, but I can say that holding Spencer at this time was as special to me as holding him for the first time. Thank you, Jenn, for taking this picture.

This is Spencer and me, finally in the same place after ten long days. The exhaustion, mental and physical, I felt at this time was beyond anything I had ever, and may ever, feel again- or I hope. :) When Gary took me to Jenn's, I sat on her couch and collapsed in her lap and sobbed. Everything felt like a dream- what I had experienced while at the hospital and what I was still experiencing at that time.

This is a picture of my Grandma and me on Spencer's blessing day. I was completely exhausted and she is making me go upstairs to take a nap. The amazing thing is that my Grandpa had passed away the day before and she was still taking care of me. She is a tower of strength and unshakable faith.

I look back often to when I couldn't hold my 5 1/2 pound baby without pillows holding up my arms. Now, I can toss all 24 pounds of my huge, chubby baby up in the air while he laughs.

Last year, I watched most of the boys' soccer games from the van window, with my head resting against the seat and I would have to sleep for hours when we got home and it would take literally days to recover. It's soccer season again, and I get to bring the snacks for their next game and help Gary chase the kids around.

I've seen beautiful works of art, and witnessed the whole artistic process.

Bathtimes

Fourth of July

Andrew's 6th Birthday

Lake Powell. "Um, excuse me, if that's okay. You can go right ahead and make the boat go, if that's all right with you and if it fits into your schedule, but if not, I'm fine waiting out here, really." Does that sound right, Jenn? :) Apparently, I'm not the most "forceful" wakeboarder/wakesurfer.

The beach

First days of school

Learning how to ride two-wheelers

This man who has loved me and our children every single day; who has helped me through every struggle- physical and emotional; who made sure I took my medicine when I should; who woke up with Spencer at night when I didn't have the strength; who gave me blessings and honors his priesthood; who let me cry on his shoulder when I didn't feel like myself and when I worried that I would never feel normal; who is full of endless patience as I gained more and more strength every day, because he gave me strength.

First swings

Taking care of my babies when they were sick

Halloween

Thanksgiving

This adorable face

. . . and this one

Christmas

School programs and taking a gazillion pictures and being so proud when he sang a word I thought I would burst

My 29th Birthday

Our wild and crazy New Year's- yeah 2008 kind of wiped me out too :)

Ben's 3rd Birthday

Ryan's 5th Birthday

My bay-buh Heather's wedding

First haircut

Valentine's Day

St. Patrick's Day

Kissing owies

Watching these cheeks get chubbier everyday

Easter

Spencer's First Birthday

There are a few words that have been with me throughout this year. They include; gratitude, reverence, awe, even confusion- the kind of confusion I feel when I am blessed with something I don't feel worthy of, and it's beyond my comprehension. But there is one word that stirs something in me that encompasses all of the others, and that is remember. I don't mean dwell on it and refuse to move on and live my life, but if I don't remember this great blessing and the gratitude and all the other feelings, then I'll. . . forget. That sounds very simple and obvious, but to forget would be unthinkable for me. So, thank you for letting me share with you my gratitude I feel so that I can continue to remember and try to live my life in a way that reflects that remembrance.