Ohnoyoudi'in'!

My sister, Kristine, has been training me in the art of using intimidating phrases in case I would ever need to use one since my early teens. Yes, she is two years younger than I am, but she has the uncanny ability of crossing racial lines and delivering the perfect phrase, including any hand or hip action required to really send the message home to the receiver. Now, in the hours upon hours, literally, of these training sessions, whenever I would attempt an execution of said phrases, instead of the much hoped for intimidation, I would instead see her and any other observer on the floor laughing, sometimes until tears were shed. I realized in those moments, I would never realize my dream of being a "Ohnoyoudi'in'" kind of gal.

Well, I had a situation arise the other day where I wished that I had that skill. The boys and I were outside Andrew's school, looking at the class lists taped to the windows by the main doors. One set of doors had the handicap button that opens the doors for wheelchairs and strollers. Anyway, I was looking at the list on the window next to the doors, and Ben was pushing the button, very happily helping people out and in.

All of a sudden, a lady who came out of nowhere, was standing by Ben. She was trying to look at a paper on the door he was opening. So, yes, that was probably annoying, but this is how she handled it. She suddenly turned, grabbed his little chubby hand, flung his arm down so hard he spun almost all the way around and he hit the brick wall, as she yelled, "Stop touching that!" Ben, the easiest going kid ever, just looked at her like, "Gee don't have a spazz-matazz" and walked toward me. The whole time he walked toward me, the lady (who is probably barely older than I am, but I will call her "Lady" so I don't call her something else) continued to yell, "Don't touch that!" Ben came and buried his face in my leg.

I do believe that fire was in my eyes and smoke was coming out of my nose, as described in the Black Stallion-before the ship sunk. Anyway, if there was ever an "Ohnoyoudi'in'" moment, this was it! But because of the aforementioned reaction I would receive to my attempt at intimidation, I just stood there, paralyzed by anger. All the other moms and kids got totally silent for a few seconds right after it happened before Ben came to me, not realizing Ben was mine and probably just thinking that lady was a really big jerk to her kid. But it wasn't her kid, it was mine!

So I stood there and glared at her with my mouth hanging open in disbelief. In a way, I'm proud of myself for not punching her lights out, like Michael Keaton so skillfully did in Mr. Mom, but at the same time, I'm disappointed in myself for not defending my little boy. One consolation is that Andrew later told me that he saw me look at that lady and I looked, quote, "Reeeal mad." End quote.

Now, I did of course fashion a fabulous speech on the way home, which included the use of the "H" word, but I know I could not have pulled it off and would have made a fool of myself. And by "H" word, I mean "heck", of course.

So, to all you moms out there, be ready with a real zinger in whatever language, including Ebonics, that you may need in such an event so that you can defend your little people. And, if properly executed, you can inspire chagrin, respect, and downright fear in any spazz who tries to mess with your kids. Word.