Have you seen this man?

Is it time for a new mattress when you feel like you've been kicked in the back in the same spot over and over and over by someone wearing steal-toed boots?

Or, perhaps the said boot-wearer, when he was finished beating you to a bloody pulp, stuck a knife in your back in the same place he had been kicking and left it there for you to discover in the morning?

Or, perhaps the aforementioned decided he would stand next to your bed and toss you and turn you all night and laugh mockingly as he watched you wake up again and again when you discovered you were in some awkward sleeping position?

Or, when he thinks it's so funny to wake up your kids and tell them to go to Mom and Dad's bed, when those parents are too out of it to realize what's going on? (Notice I didn't say "too asleep"- I'm never- or rarely- too asleep to realize what is happening, just beyond caring.) It is in those moments that the child(ren) can crawl into their poor beat-up parents' bed, seemingly unnoticed, and proceed to kick and punch and smack. . . But don't blame children; they're victims too. Blame the knife-toting boot-wearer.

Or, as you finally drift off to sleep, he may feel the malicious need to whisper in your ear and cause you to dream things that are far too real to feel like dreams, causing you to shoot up to a sitting position, frantically gasping for air, like in the movies? (or every commercial for that show where the lady sees dead people)

Yes, I know I've been visited by this soulless creature when I can remember every part of the night, every toss and turn, every weird angle of my head on my pillow, every time I looked at the clock and thought, "Why!?"

WHY!?

Yes, I'm sure a new mattress will keep that monster away. . . maybe a nice, king-sized Intellibed. Yep, that'll to the trick.