Here's My Heart

Today, our family held our annual "Gratitude Fast", thanking Heavenly Father for my recovery from my illness two years ago.

I keep remembering a fear that I would have that would leave me literally breathless. It's a fear that I had two years ago, and one year ago, and every single day in between, and for a long time after that. It was the fear of forgetting. I thought if I forgot, even for one second, the experience that we had been through, that it would mean I was ungrateful, and I could not stand it. I would read about my experience in my journal as often as I could. I would sit and try to remember every little thing I felt and every miracle we experienced. I would compare the strength I was gaining everyday with the debilitating, nauseating weakness I was slowly, but surely, leaving behind and I would feel profoundly grateful.

But gradually, unintentionally, I stopped turning around and staring at the stairs I had climbed without grasping the rail for support, or gazing with wonder at the groceries on the counter I had carried in all by myself, or marveling at every pain-free breath I took; and it broke my heart.

The feeling I had reminds me of the words of one of my favorite, if not my very favorite, hymns, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing:

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

My heart had been softened and broken and I wanted to keep it that way. I wanted to put my heart up on a shelf where I couldn't do anything that would ruin all that the work He had done.

But, after a long and prayerful process, I felt that it was ok for me to "move on." Not "wander," but just live and not feel guilty about it. I finally felt peace, knowing that living my life was showing gratitude. Of course, I had to live it well, and I mess up every single day, but He knew that would happen. Which is why we have our Savior, who went "forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people." (Alma 7:11)

It is so comforting, knowing that He understood (to say the least) every physical pain I experienced, from the stabbing pain in my lungs with every breath to the residual pain all over my body that I felt for months. He also understood when the pain turned more emotional and He was there to guide me through it. I have never felt alone during any part of the trial or the healing that took place after, and still continues.

And even while writing this, I have gone to clean up throw-up and take care of sick little boys. And today was the first time that I actually got to sit and reflect on what happened two years ago, and it's ok. I would have felt so guilty about that a year ago that it took me so long, but now I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. During the "anniversary week" of the hospital experience, I was cleaning up the beginning of the terrible throw-up (that obviously still continues), taking care of the kids and the house while Gary was away for almost a week, going to church meetings, and getting sick myself. (Though I was never lucky enough to throw up.) So, I never had the time to remember the way I used to, and would like to remember more often, but this is the way it's supposed to be, and it's ok.

Which is why we have today to remember. I'm so grateful to my Mom who came up with this idea of fasting together because it helps to know that, though I can't sit around all day, every day, in a "grateful trance," it does give me the opportunity to take a day and slow down and reflect. And every other day, I can live the best I can and "raise my Ebenezer" and remember that it is by His help that I am here and my heart isn't wandering anywhere.