Optimus Prime- The Anti-Drug

I bet you don't know that Optimus Prime can fly. I do. Ya wanna know how I know this fun little fact? My percocet told me.

I had surgery a couple weeks ago and so I have been reunited with my narcotics. I was in pain before bed a couple of nights ago and I had Gary get me my painkillers and a glass of water, then I settled in for what I hoped would be a lovely slumber. Unfortunately, it turned out to be one of the worst nights ever. I had countless nightmares and woke up dozens of times, gasping for breath and then trying to fight off the sleepiness that would immediately drag me back into the psycho, drug-influenced dreamworld. (Ok, I have nightmares when I'm not on pain medicine, but I don't know how my subconscious could conjure up all this terribleness without some help.)

I thought I would share my last "nightmare" of the night with you. Don't laugh, it was so scary! Here goes:

So, I had to go to Italy for some "medical treatment." Don't ask me why, that's just what I had to do for whatever reason. But, I had to get to Italy fast. One nanosecond I was thinking, "How I am going to get to Italy quickly?" and the next nanosecond, I was flying over a vast ocean being carried by Optimus Prime.

He was in his "human form" and I was in what I can only call a "pod." Which makes sense. We were flying at an incredible velocity and I'm sure I would not be able to breathe were it not for my snug little compartment, which was small and oval and exactly matched Optimus Prime's brilliant red.

Well, it turns out that Optimus runs on batteries, and a few times during our flight he started to lose power. All of a sudden we would be plunging to the ocean and I could see the water coming closer and closer, like when the plane crashes on "Cast Away." Then always, in the last second before my pod would crash into the ocean and water was all I could see out my little window, Optimus would have his battery replaced by this flying "Optimus Prime Battery Changer Guy" and we would continue on our journey.

So, after one of the times Optimus had his battery replaced, I could see the coast of Italy out my window and felt a tangible sense of relief. I'm sure I was smiling in my sleep. In that exact moment, Optimus lost all power and we plunged into the deep, cold, dark water and Optimus disappeared. I was miraculously freed from the confines of my pod and saw it sinking down and disappearing into the water.

But, in my hand was the front fender of a gigantic semi-truck. And in my mind I knew it was full of 300 people who would surely die if I let go of the semi. So, I started to make my way to the shore, dragging this semi behind me, which was completely submersed in the water. (You all know how this feels, right? To be swimming and carrying something too heavy that keeps pulling you under. Terrible!)

Well, somehow I made it to the shore and dropped the semi off on the muddy banks. Then, I heard people crying and screaming and I looked over to see yet another semi sinking under the water across the "bay," I guess you could call it. I swam the 20 feet in half a second and started to unzip the top of the trailer part of the semi. When I pulled the corner flap back, I saw a hand. It was a man's hand with a brown rubber band around his wrist- like a girl, like me! I pulled the flap back farther and saw that it was my nemesis from previous dreams that night. Who happened to be the eye-patch bad guy from a James Bond movie. (But not #2 from "Austin Powers," though.)

Terror gripped me as he looked up from me and I saw murder in his eyes. I turned to swim away but I was suddenly 1,000 pounds. I struggled and struggled and could not move in the water and out of the corner of my eye I saw Eye-Patch climbing out of the trailer coming to get me.

I woke up, sweating and gasping and thrashing, but was otherwise unharmed. Ok, so I guess this could be called a "comedic nightmare," since I almost busted my stitches laughing, telling Gary what I thought was a terrible nightmare. We can laugh now, we're all right!